


Behind Blue Eyes

by soshesays



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Blood, Drama, Drugs, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Poor Fitz, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Substance Abuse, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:10:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soshesays/pseuds/soshesays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was a genius, his mind a wonderful asset but even the most brilliant minds had to be safeguarded. So what happens when the world's most dangerous organization gets their hands on everyone's favourite engineer? </p><p>In which, Fitz gets captured by HYRDA and some sketchy SHIELD protocols are revealed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new here and not an experience writer so forgive me for any mistakes you may find!

Fitz groaned as he came to, slowly opening his eyes... The last thing he remembered was being clobbered in the head with the end of a gun. _Coulson. May. Did they get out?_ He looked around at his surrounding before struggling against the restraints on his arms. He was tied to a chair by his wrists and ankles, and was in some sort of den.

_A basement perhaps? Underground?_

It wasn't long before all the pain hit him. The pounding headache. The pain in his torso. He looked down and he inhaled sharply. _Damnit._ His top was stained with a patch of dark red. Blood, he assumed.

He didn't have much time to get his bearings when the door came flying open. "Good, you're awake!" Garret burst into the room, an evil smirk on his face.

"Now let's get down to business. I like you son." Garrett said as he walked closer.

"You're a smart kid, just think of all the cool things we could create together!" Garrett specialized in breaking people, and breaking an engineer, let alone a non-field agent was going to be a piece of cake. Everyone just needed a little motivation.

They needed Fitz on their side. A brilliant mind like that, there was no point letting it go to waste. HYDRA had big plans and Fitz was a missing puzzle piece. "You know... you'd hold a very high rank on our tech division if you agree to join us."

Garrett stood behind Fitz, placing his hands on his shoulders, giving him a reassuring squeeze. "If not, you'd have no rank and a lot of pain. Of course, either way, your services will be required."

Fitz flinched at his touch. "You're gonna suffer for what you've done" tears trickling down his face "And I... I plan on being a very big part of that."

Garrett laughed, giving Fitz a big pat on his back. "Oh, you're going to play a big part alright! But I've got something else in mind."

Garrett left the room, coming back shortly after with a trolley "Let's get started shall we?"

And that was when the torture started.

 

_xxxxxx_

 

Fitz kept drifting in and out of consciousness. He felt drowsy, and his headache was worse than ever. He saw a blurred figure in front of him as he opened his eyes. And then he noticed something even worse. _Blood. Everywhere. On the floor. All over his own hands._ Fitz jerked to the side, retching, throwing up what little was left in his system. Fitz was never a fan of blood, or any of the putrid decaying flesh Jemma used to bring into his pristine lab. _Jemma_. His thoughts floated to her for a second before the awful smell brought him back to painful reality.

"Morning beautiful" the blurry figured said. "Ready to get started again?" Garrett pick up a silver wretch from his trolley and swung it at Fitz' leg. He couldn't help but cry out. _It hurt so damn much._

Fitz closed his eyes tight, trying to get his mind to focus on something else besides the pain. Once again feeling the shock searing through his body, Fitz screamed, all his muscles tensing up, as Garrett probed him with the electrical taser. He clenched his teeth together in attempt to stop giving Garrett the satisfaction that he was succeeding. As the pain stopped, Fitz felt his body relax a little but he was panting, his breathing ragged.

Garrett walked closer to Fitz, "ready to comply yet kid?" hitting him across the face, the force throwing Fitz off the chair. Fitz collapsed onto the floor, his head and body throbbing with pain.

Garrett threw a broken device onto the floor. "Fix it." he commanded. "Fix this and we can stop for the day."

"I... I... Screw you." Fitz spat out, his hands trembling as he threw the device back to Garrett.

Fitz was on the verge of tears at this point. His voice shaking. Any one could see that he was breaking. Fitz was never trained for any of this. _Coulson and his stupid ideals._ John Garrett had to give it to Coulson though, he picked a fine young man. One of the smartest, most vied for assets from the Academy, and he chose to go work for Coulson. But it didn't matter anymore, Fitz was his now. It was just a matter of finding that tipping point.

Garrett stormed over to Fitz, picking him up by his shirt collar before slamming him back to the ground. Garrett lifted his foot, and pressed down hard on the Fitz' torso wound.

"AAAAAAAAH" Fitz screamed out, tears streaming down his face as he struggled to get out from under Garrett's weight.

The pain was so blinding that he cried out again, only to be aggressively shut up by Garrett's forceful hand over his mouth. Garrett stared straight into Fitz' eyes. He could see the fear. Fitz was cracking.

"Now you listen to me you little bitch. No one's here to help you. Daddy's not coming to save you. You think you're so strong fighting me on this? There's other ways to make you comply Agent Fitz." Garrett whispered quietly into Fitz' ear before he slammed his head against the floor.

Everything went black.

 

_xxxxxx _xxxxxx__

 

"Get up." Garrett commanded, kicking the trembling Fitz in the gut.

Fitz struggled to get to his feet. His arms shook, as he tried to push himself up, his body betraying him as his arm collapsed against his weight. He tried to move again, but his limbs were unresponsive. He could catch bits and pieces of people talking, swearing. Garrett yelling at the guards to do something.

All of sudden he was being dragged upright. Fitz swayed dangerously. His body and mind breaking down out of sheer exhaustion.

It had been several days of constant pain. Every part of his body hurt. It felt so cold. He was freezing. Fitz had done the math in his head before. If he were to lose any more blood, he would go into hypovolemic shock.

Fingers went through his hair, hands violently shoving his head up so that he would come face to face with the man in front of him.

Fitz blinked slowly, his vision blurred with the lights spinning wildly.

"I'll ask you again boy. Fix it." Garrett said, patting Fitz on the face twice. Garrett gestured towards the broken device on the floor. Fitz wanted to scream but all he managed was a whimper. " _Fuck you."_

Before he knew it, Garrett's grip around his neck tightened, squeezing all the air out of him painfully. Fitz started to panic, his hands flailing, pushing against Garrett strong arms, fighting to get another breath of air into his body.

"Don't you dare tempt me, son" Garrett said as he released him.

Fitz collapsed, only to be abruptly hauled up by Garrett and punched hard in the face.

"I'll ask you again. Fix it!" Garrett screamed. Over and over Garrett punched Fitz in the face, causing blood to gush out of his nose. Garrett released his hold on Fitz and kicked him in the chest, sending Fitz falling face first to the floor again.

It was a miracle that Fitz was still conscious at this point. Garrett remained silent and still, the only sound in the room was the ragged breathing of Fitz. But Fitz was struggling, his eyes shut tightly as he gripped his head in pain.

_Screams._

All Fitz could hear were the screams of a girl. Everything came hitting him at once. A dead body in front of him, his hands soaked in blood.

"Stop! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!" Fitz clutched his ears, trying to stop the deafening sound, but to no avail. The screams only got louder as Fitz started sobbing. Garrett, for once, in what seemed a nice gesture, bent down to Fitz' level and lifted his head up gently.

"Concentrate on something else." shoving the broken device in Fitz' hand. "You want the pain to stop? Focus on this. It's second nature to you." Fitz looked up, eyes wild as his body shook.

In desperation, Fitz stumbled forward, wincing as he readjusted his body into a sitting position against the wall. Fitz clenched his fist, fighting the searing pain, his other hand gripping the broken device.

He's shaking. He just wants the cursed noise to stop. He can't take it anymore. His hands tremble as his fingers roam across the device, studying it, begging his mind to switch gears, so that the pain can just go away.

" ...What are you doing?" Fitz stammers, as he sees Garrett removing his belt. Suddenly he's afraid again.

Garrett moves towards Fitz and lowers himself, looping the belt under Fitz' arm, high up on his biceps before he begins to fasten it down tightly. Fitz struggles, pulling away weakly.

He backs further into the wall when he sees Garrett pull out a syringe and a glass vial of liquid. His next words are almost inaudible. "I... I don't want that... please no" he whispers. The look on his face is a mix of hurt, fear and want.

"It'll help. It'll stop the pain" was all Garrett said, as he reached forward tightening the belt further.

Fitz takes a turn for the worse. He's no longer fighting, he's now crying, begging. His entire demeanour has changed from aggressive to passive. Lines of fatigue and exhaustion are apparent on his face, every bit of torture grinding away at his brave front.

"Nn-no. I-I don't want it" Fitz begged, crying as he instinctively tried to pull his hand back to his chest.

Garrett reached for his arm, tugging at it gently, but forcefully back out, as he drew the contents of the vial into the syringe.

"No. No no. I-I I caa can't. Y-you can't mmake me" Fitz cried out, as Garrett placed the needle against his skin and pushed down on the plunger.

"Pleas- ple..." Fitz sobbed, as he felt the needle prick his skin. He shook his head, trying to fight the drug but his eyelids felt heavy. Beads of sweat started to form on his forehead before his head fell backwards, a wave of peace settling over him. Fitz closed his eyes, his eyes rolling back as his consciousness started to fade away until there was nothing but darkness.

_No screams. No pain. No fear. Nothing._

 

_xxxxxx_

 

Fitz wasn't sure where he was. It looked very sterile. A lab perhaps? But it wasn't his. He could hear voices laughing. Two voices, a male and a female. Suddenly the voices got louder.

_"Fitz! It was only once!" the girl laughed, sounding slightly annoyed._

_"He has a low body fat percentage and his face is nice and symmetrical! I had to give him at least one chance"_

_The boy groaned "He's boring. Admit it. Why would he ever ask you out?"_

_"Though it may be news to you Fitz, I'm not exactly an ugly duckling!" she scoffed,_ _"being a new young prodigy with an above average fashion sense draws attention from the opposite gender!"_

_"But Jemma! I'M a young prodigy too! And people just think I'm weird!" the boy exclaimed._

_Jemma started laughing. "Oh Fitz. They just need to take the time to get to know you!", she said as she gently placed her hand on his shoulder giving him a reassuring squeeze. "Besides, I don't find anyone all that interesting except you! You're clearly the smartest one here."_

_"I am?" a small smile appearing on the boy's face._

_"Well, you're 23 days older so... technically, I am the youngest." Jemma smiled, as she sneakily added in "...and since Agent Weaver said that there were two young prodigies, I think it's safe to say that I'm the smarter one, being younger and all that!" she playfully poked him in the stomach with a grin on her face before running out of the lab, taunting him to chase her._

_"Hey! That's not fair!" he gets up to run after her, but clumsily trips on the chair in front of him. His hands stretch out to break his fall, but he's too slow, his face colliding with the floor first with a loud thud._

_"Fitz!" he hears her scream before..._

Darkness.

Fitz groaned as he began to come to. His vision was still hazy, and he felt light headed. It was all still a bit of a blur, the voices. The girl and the boy. The buzzing in his ears was louder than ever. His vision was becoming clearer, as he looked down at his feet. A device shining brightly buzzing on the ground, beeping every so often. A figure started to form in front of his eyes.

"I knew you had it in you kid." Garrett said, as he kneeled beside Fitz, pulling his sleeves back up his arms.

Everything was jumbled together. Fitz just stared at the guy in front of him, confusion in his eyes, unaware of what was happening.

"Y-you... I..I-I.. wh-what?" it was hard for Fitz to concentrate. He felt thirsty. Tired. He wanted to sleep.

"I...i-i need.." as if on instinct, he reached out to grab Garrett's arm, knocking out the glass vial Garrett was holding in his hand.

Garrett held Fitz' hands down, putting the belt back around his arm.

Fitz struggled against Garrett's hold "No.. not that.. stop"

Garrett submerged the syringe back into the vial, drawing up liquid once again, flicking it to get all the air bubbles out.

"Ss-stop, d-don't do this." Fitz said desperately as he tried to pull away from Garrett.

There's a look of panic on Fitz' face again. "Ssssh. Tell me. Doesn't it make you feel better?" Fitz shakes his head slightly, his lips quivering as he looked down at the syringe. He wanted to shout no, to push Garrett away but he just sat there, trembling as Garrett pushed down on the syringe once again.

Fitz gasped as a familiar wave of bliss washed over him. This time, he's shaking slightly as he hits an all time high. He feels... _better_.

In a distance, Fitz hears the quiet whispers of something before he gives in to the euphoria _"There are always other ways to make you comply Agent Fitz..."_

Everyone breaks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An exchange happens, but the person you get back isn't always the one you lost.

"Coouuulson!" Garrett's voice echoed throughout the Bus. "You're going to want to hear what I have to say. You've got something I want and I think you're going to be interested in what I have for you. Come on, old friend... you gotta come out sometime!"

All eyes were on the screen watching the scene outside the Bus unfold as Garrett walked out of his helijet yelling his demands. It was only a few days ago that HYDRA had taken over both the Hub and the Fridge, leaving S.H.I.E.L.D in pieces. Coulson's team was exactly that – in shambles, scrambling to piece back what once was a highly functional team. It wasn't until Jemma gasped, did the team realize how badly they had been hit and how much worse it was about to become.

 _Fitz_.

 _They had Fitz_.

Tears streamed down Jemma's face as she saw Fitz's tiny body move across the screen, shoved as he dragged his feet across the sand, bloodied shirt, cracked lip and all. He looked defeated. _Oh how scared he must have been_. It was like all life was sucked out of him. His eyes, his beautiful blue eyes, just seemed... dead.

"WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING!" Jemma screamed, a look of terror on her face.

Coulson was never one to leave a man behind, but he didn't want to let Garrett win. Not after everything. He had to find a way, a way to get Fitz back and not give up the most viable source of intel they had on HYDRA's plans. He couldn't help but blame himself for what had happened in the Hub when Garrett and HYDRA had them cornered in the basement. It was too late by the time Victoria Hand and her team stormed the room. Coulson and May had been outnumbered, and Garrett had made the slip with his men, taking a knocked out Fitz along with them. _Fitz_. Coulson couldn't help but think about how things might have been different for the poor boy had he simply agreed to join HYDRA's ranks. Not that he wasn't proud of how brave Fitz had been for staying loyal, but he couldn't help but wonder based on how things had turned out now. Fitz wasn't meant for torture, he wasn't trained to endure that much pain, that young boy had never even passed his field test! Agent Coulson questioned his own decisions - had he been too caught up in his own plans that he let two kid scientists into the field? This was all his fault.

And Garrett knew exactly what kind of man Coulson was. They had trained together, treated each other like brothers. He know how things would play out and he wasn't a patient man. It was time to speed things along.

"Your time's ticking Phil! Now, what do you say we make this MORE FUN? I'll give you some incentive to give me what I want." He reached into his leather jacket, pulling out a syringe of some sort before abruptly stabbing it at the side of Fitz' neck.

And in one swift movement, Fitz' eyes rolled back as he collapsed to the ground. His limbs and body shaking violently, white froth forming at his mouth. Garett kicked him over, taunting Phil "I DON'T THINK YOU WANT YOUR GOLDEN BOY OVER HERE TO DIE LIKE THIS DO YOU!?" as he approached the Bus confidently, knowing that he would be getting what he wanted come hell or high water.

Before any one could react, Jemma raced to the cargo bay, pressing every damn button on her way trying to get the doors of the Bus open so that she could run to Fitz. She didn't care about anything else. She just needed to get to him. That's where she belonged. Beside him, the whole damn time. Jemma had almost made it when she got pulled back to the ground by a pair of strong arms. "Let me go! LET ME GO LET ME GO!" Jemma screamed, as May grabbed her, refusing to let her run out there without any kind of plan. "Please, no... Fitz needs me..." Jemma begged between tears.

But the surprise came when everyone saw Phil walking out of the Bus with the one thing Garrett wanted. Ward. Coulson was trading Ward for Fitz. "Here John, you can have this son of a bitch!" Phil pushed Ward towards John and his army of men. "I swear we're going to get you. You're not getting away with this John. I'm going to find you and put an end to all of this." Phil said as he aggressively handed Ward to John Garrett. "And don't you think I'm going to forget what you did to this team Ward." Garrett laughed, as he grabbed Ward and quickly made his exit. This wasn't even close to over. John Garrett, had a big plan and much of it was possible thanks to that genius he got his hands on.

"Oh, and Phil? Thanks for lending me your engineer! He built some good old toys we LOVE. Good luck with that one!"

 

...

 

 _Fitz_. He was talking about Fitz. She could see his body unintentionally kick up a cloud of sand from afar, as his body jerked and thrashed about on the ground.

It was as if she was running for forever. "Fitz! No no no no Fitz wake up!" Jemma screamed. She shook him harder, trying to snap him out of his seizure, but it was of no use. She was holding emptiness in her arms. By the time Coulson reached them, he realized how desperate the scene in front of him was. Jemma, frozen in a spot, as if she didn't have the slightest bit of medical knowledge. Sitting on the ground, sobbing, as Fitz' body shook uncontrollably in her arms.

*Slap*

She's stunned for the moment, by the pain of the slap, before she comes to her senses and hears Coulson yelling, "I'm only going to tell you this once Jemma. You. Med-bay. Now. Get it together. GO!"

And they're all running. She knew she had to figure it out. How to help Fitz. "Jemma, if there's one person that can help him here, it's you." Coulson said as he tried to restrain the thrashing Fitz onto the medical bed. Jemma rushed out of the room, rummaging through her medical supplies before running back into the room with a syringe in her hand.

She was shaking, tears slipping down her face as she looked down at her best friend. "Let me." May's fingers guiding Jemma's hand towards Fitz, as she held him still with her other hand. Jemma held her breath until she saw that the shaking started to subside. Everyone let out a sigh.

That was until Simmons noticed that Fitz was still, perhaps too still.

 

...

 

Jemma had never been more terrified. She quickly wiped away the tears streaming down her face, hoping no one would notice as she stared at the sleeping boy in the med bay. He was much thinner than she remembered. He looked fragile. His hair unruly, his curls longer than usual. She felt a tiny bit relieved that he looked somewhat peaceful in his sleep, but she knew as much that it was just the strong effects of the sedative than actual peace.

Jemma couldn't help but tremble as the last few hours replayed in her head.

" _FITZ! No nonono. Come on Fitz. Breathe. Please!" Jemma begged as she pressed her lips firmly onto his, giving him two quick breaths. They had only just gotten Fitz back, and it was like he was only hanging there by a thread. She couldn't lose him, not again. She leaned back, placing her hands over his chest, and pressed hard. Down, up, down up. Counting as she delivered the chest compressions._

_Everyone was standing there, looking at her, unsure of what to do. Skye in particular, had a look of despair on her face. She was crying, her eyes red as she slowly approached the bed._

_Jemma ignored her when she called out her name. All she could think about was Fitz._

_Down, up, down, up. Down- Jemma struggled as a pair of arms engulfed her. She could hear crying, "Jemma- he- is Fitz-"_

" _NO!" Jemma said breaking out of Skye's embrace. "Fitz, fitz, I can't do this by myself. PLEASE!" Jemma choked out, her cries quickly dissolving into sobs. She went back to giving him compressions, harder than ever, and leaned over him, tilting his head back as she put her lips to his mouth. "BREATHE!" she cried._

_He was still._

_Jemma collapsed into a ball on the floor, knees to her face as she started breaking down._

" _Jemma we did -" before Coulson could finish, Jemma was back up on her feet again hovering over Fitz. And with an unfounded strength and a look of determination, she grabbed the syringe full of adrenaline and plunged it into his thigh._

_500 micrograms of epinephrine._

_"Jemma! What the hell did you just do?" Coulson yelled, two seconds too late to stop her._

_Fitz shot up, eyes bloodshot, wide and full of fear as the rapid effects of adrenaline rushed through his heart, blood and lungs. And suddenly everyone clicked into action, moving forward, trying to hold down the highly distressed young man as he started puking and jerking away from the crowd._

_He wasn't sure where he was. He pushed away from the crowd, and stumbled forward until his arms finally reached a wall, giving him the tiny bit of stability to prop himself up to he throw up. There's a mix of blood and bile, but he doesn't stop until he's choking, gagging involuntarily. His stomach contents emptied onto the floor._

_Jemma sees him lower himself down to the ground, legs kicking out at them as he whimpers "Ggg-ge-get away from me". All she can see is the fear in his eyes. His laboured breathing and his meek attempts to get away... from them. From her._

_His features register disbelief, and Jemma is quickly reminded of a look she once saw. Desperation. The same look he had when he was screaming her name, begging her not to jump out of the bus._

_His eyes look up to hers, and she moves towards him. For a second she swears she sees a flick of light in his blue eyes, a moment where he recognized who she was. Her arms extend to embrace him, and she sees his arms reach out but at the very next second, he's crying, screaming, looking bewildered, as he grabs hold of her throat, fingers locked around it, squeezing. She looks at him as her vision goes haywire. Her body is lacking oxygen, but she can see that his eyes are shut tight, his face turned to the side, as if he was afraid to look. She doesn't fight him._

_It's May that knocks Fitz out with one blow._

_It takes a few hushed whispers and strong arms, to carry Fitz back onto the med bed. Coulson at this point has taken over, as Jemma stands in the corner, in shock, shivering. He speaks gently to her, asking her for the right dosage of sedatives to administer to Fitz. Fitz just needs some sleep, he explains. Rest, a chance to recover without interruption._

 

....

 

And that's how she's standing there right now. Outside the glass, as if she needs protection from him, or he needs protection from her.

Fear conditioning, that's what May suspects. She goes over his wounds methodically, almost cold-like, explaining the abuse he most likely went through and the kind of psychical and psychological toll it would take on a person.

Jemma sees the wounds, and her mind automatically assesses them. The estimated blood loss, the blunt force of the weapons used, the pain Fitz must have experienced...

A sound escapes Jemma. It's a combination of a gasp and a cry. She's thinking about her Fitz, the one that's funny, caring, shy but with his own quirks and she can't reconcile it with the battered, broken boy in front of her.

May explains that it's a form of torture that yields inconsistent results. Nightmares, terrors, hallucinations. A trigger of some sort, that targets the part of the brain that houses fear and pain.

An entire day passes before Fitz wakes up. He's lying in the bed, arms strapped down. There's a look of confusion and exhaustion on his face but he isn't struggling as much. His hands fidget continuously against the restraints and he jumps at every sound, but he's not screaming... yet.

Jemma is forbidden to go near him. They're afraid she might trigger something that would cause him panic like before.

Instead, they chose to send in Skye. The least intimidating and the friendliest face, they said.

"Fitz?" she called out softly. His eyes widen in alarm, but they fade to confusion. "It's Skye, remember me?"

"S-skye?" he whispers. Some of the clouds in his head seem to clear. "W-what, where a-am I?"

"Hey!" she smiles with obvious relief. "You're back home, on the bus"

Fitz bites his lip. He looks like he's having a internal debate, as his eyes shift around the place, scanning the surroundings.

"Fitz, I'm going to remove the restraints ok?" Skye said as she carefully moved closer to him. "Promise you won't do anything crazy?" she looks at him for a sign of acknowledgement. "I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to make you comfortable alright?"

Fitz nods slowly. He trembles and lets out a tiny groan when Skye reaches over to undo the restraints, her hands brushing against his arms.

The moment Fitz is free, he tries to run. But to everyone's surprise, Fitz doesn't try to run out of the room. Instead, he's scrambling, backing himself against the wall, as he shrinks to a little self contained ball, hands to his face. There's tears in his eyes as he shivers. Skye approaches him, but he's begging again, hands clutching his head, head bowed, as he cries.

"No, no no no." he's bent down from the pain coming from his head "y-you're not real.. stop it. Go away!"

Skye crouched down beside Fitz, "Hey, hey hey, it's ok. Remember when you patched my hand up and promised you would keep me safe?" gently reaching for his hand as Fitz looked up into her eyes. "It's my turn now ok? It's just you and me."

Jemma was in pain watching Skye wiggle her way into his muddled mind. It wasn't that that progress wasn't good. It was that... it wasn't her in the room. They were best friends, and yet it was Skye in that room. Jemma couldn't help but feel heartbroken. It should have been her in there. She missed him so badly that it hurt.

Fitz was sobbing, but Skye managed to calm him down, his shaking reduced to slight tremors every few seconds. Skye gently reached out to pull him into an embrace. Instead of pulling back, he leaned in for the first time, looking at her face.

He looked like a lost little boy, and it's the kind of hope that Jemma saw in his eyes as he looked at Skye that threw her over the edge. She needed to see him. Be with him.

Without thinking, Jemma rushed out of the observation room, and barged into the med bay.

The next thing he said was barely comprehensible.

"J-j-je-jemma?" Fitz muttered as his face turned white.

 


	3. Real or not real?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but the next one will come your way really quickly!

_Without thinking, Jemma rushed out of the observation room and barged into the med bay._

_The next thing he said was barely comprehensible._

_"J-j-je-jemma?" Fitz muttered as his face turned white._

 

_......_

 

He jumped when he felt a firm hand around his shoulder.

"Fitz? Look at me." Jemma pleaded, clutching his hand as she lifted his chin to look him in the face. "Leo." She whispered. She studied him nervously, noticing that he was still dangerously pale. Gently, she caressed his cheek like she had done plenty of times in the past. "I'm so sorry Fitz." she whispered, her voice cracking as she struggled to hold her tears back. She was on the verge of breaking down. Being this close to him, and yet having him so... The distance between them was unbearable. He was back with her, but the emotional distance in that moment – she hadn't gotten her Fitz back yet.

Her eyes swept over him as she stared at the battered boy in front of her. She desperately wanted to pull him into a huge embrace but pushed that thought away. _No. He wasn't ready for that._ Instead, she carefully kissed the top of his head, her eyes boring into his. All she wanted was to tell him how she felt. That he too, was more than that to her.

But Fitz doesn't respond. At least not in the way Jemma wanted. He was quiet. His eyes registered her presence, and Jemma could tell that he was hearing her and seeing her. But Fitz didn't move – he didn't bask in or seek comfort in the familiarity of her presence. Instead he looked terrified, his breathing speeding in slight increments.

"Ow!" Skye screamed, breaking the silence. Fitz had tightened his grip on her hand.

Skye hadn't meant to disrupt the supposedly intimate moment she was privy to. In fact, it was... kind of awkward. She felt for Jemma, but Fitz was clearly still not in the right mind to have her touch him like that. He did just try to choke her not too long ago.. _What was she thinking?_

"Fitz? Calm down please?" Jemma pleaded, her voice quiet. Fitz remained frozen, his eyes wide and desperate. He was trying so hard to process the situation. Everything was hazy - his memories - he wasn't sure... _Her smile. Her jumping off a plane. Gun shots. A grenade. Water flooding in. Screams. Blood._ He couldn't make sense of all the thoughts in his head. _Did she? How was it possible?_ _No it couldn't._

His blue eyes lock on her. He doesn't fight to get away but stares at her with a look of confusion. "I don't under-" He couldn't finish. It's his voice but there's something new in it. An edge of suspicion and fear. He swallowed hard, the pressure inside his chest threatening to explode into sobs once again. He's uncertain, fumbling around with his hands, panic rising slowly within him. "I-I can't tell what's real. I don't.. I don't know what they did to me. Jemma I can't stop the-" he closed his eyes shut, grimacing in pain, as he struggled to block out the flood of sounds pounding in his ears.

Jemma's voice came out as a soft murmur. "Then you should ask, Fitz. Let me try and help."

He shivered when she placed her hand on his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze. It was a gesture the two of them had shared over the years, starting from their days at the Academy. It had become second nature to them, their way of being there for each other, without having to say anything. An unspoken promise of support, love, friendship. Instinct took over. Fitz subconsciously reached out to place his hand on top of hers. Tears sprung from his eyes as he looked up to meet hers.

"J-jemma... I'm tired" his voice cracked. His grip on Skye loosened. Skye, sensing the situation had changed, gave Jemma a slight smile. By some miraculous means, Fitz was warming up to her. Skye slowly got up as Jemma lowered herself to the floor next to Fitz. Suddenly his attention was all on her. On Jemma.

He turned to her. "You... you tried to kill yourself. Wa-was that real?"

"I was trying to protect the rest of the team-" Jemma struggled to explain the events of the Chitauri virus, it was still a touchy subject.

"You jumped. Y-you left me." Hurt written all over his face.

"But you saved me. You got me that anti-serum. You were the hero remember?" She said, quickly trying to switch the subject. It wasn't the right time or place to discuss the selfish decision she had made that day. Jemma never did stop to think about how it would have affected Fitz.

"Oh." He seemed unconvinced.

He closed his eyes briefly, maybe attempting to remember the events of that day. He looked exhausted, all the energy snapped from his body.

"I'm never leaving you again Fitz." Slowly, as you would with a wounded animal, Jemma reached out to stroke his cheek gently. She noticed the cuts and bruises on his face, his split lip, a new bruise forming where May had punched him. He winced as her fingers glided over a wound. "I promise."

"I don't feel very good..." he whimpered softly. He leaned on her, letting his head rest on her shoulders as she pressed up next to him.

"You have to fix this." he whispered hoarsely. "Fix me." His voice sounded so broken; tears running down his face.

"I don't know how Fitz." Jemma was at a loss for words. As much as she wanted to, she didn't know exactly how to help him. _What they did to him. What he went through. How could she possibly take away all the pain he had suffered?_

He looked down as her hand reached over for his. She gently grabbed the hand on his leg and Fitz moved quickly to cover her hand with his, fingers intertwined. He looked up at her and as their eyes met, Jemma let a single tear roll down her face. _She would find a way to get her Fitz back._

Jemma lowered her head to her side until it was resting on his. The two of them leaning against each other for support.

"Fitz?" she whispered. She looked into his blue eyes.

We'll do this like we always do. Together."

 


	4. Chapter 4

_Tick, tock, tick tock._

The sound got louder and louder until it resulted in one loud crashing sound.

It was annoying to listen to. In a fit of rage, Fitz had grabbed the clock and thrown it against the floor, smashing it into a million pieces.

Someone immediately came rushing in.

"Fitz! What was that noise? Are you ok?"

His sleep was over. Fitz groaned as he started to wake. His senses returning, as he blinked his eyes open, the sudden stream of light blinding him temporarily. Everything was jumbled together – the world was out of focus, and all he heard was some mumble of words.

"Oh, Fitz... Why'd you break this?" Jemma muttered, holding up pieces of the broken clock in her hands.

For some reason, that made Fitz angry. What did she expect? Him to be all happy? Cheerful? Here she was advising him on how to deal with some stupid clock that was too bloody noisy, when he was the engineer.

"What do you know Jemma?" he snapped, regretting it slightly after the words had left his mouth. She was only being concerned, after all.

"There's no need to speak to her like that." May defended. She was standing outside the room, stoic as ever.

Jemma gave a weak smile to May. "It's alright May, Fitz is probably just hungry. Some food might do him some good. Right Fitz?"

"Yea, sure whatever." he sighed, as he reluctantly got out of the bed.

Most of the team had spent the last few days tiptoeing around Fitz. His entire demeanor had changed. There were times where he looked incredibly nervous, and others when he was straight up distant and angry. He snapped at the team a few times – even yelled at Skye once for just moving things on his workspace. It was so bad that it took all of her strength not to cry for the rest of the day. She avoided him that entire day.

There were a few rare moments though where the old Fitz would resurface. Kind. Friendly. Innocent. It was the only reason Coulson had allowed him back into the lab. It seemed like working in there again with Jemma had helped a little. Every now and then he would catch them completing each other's sentences, or a small smile on his face. But those were his good days. Fitz had way more bad days.

Everyone was just smothering him. Treating him like a child. Talking to him slowly, carefully – every single thing took too damn long. Whether it was a person talking, building a new weapon, fixing the night-night gun, or just waiting for a stupid sandwich to warm up in the microwave. It bothered him, offended him. It didn't matter what – if it was logical, reasonable, something helpful, he'd just want to turn around and punch it – punch them in the face.

Fitz had never been a violent person. He had only raised his gun once – like at The Hub when he killed that...

Fitz ran to the lab, and with a shaky hand, leaned himself against his desk, taking deep breaths in and out. This had been happening frequently. He would be fine one second, and the next he would feel like he was falling apart. That filled him with rage. Fitz was in constant pain. Jemma had given him some spiel about how the average person would take upwards of 6 weeks to heal when fractures were involved but that wasn't even considering the full extent of his injuries. He hated it. His one arm was practically useless, and every slight movement would cause sharp pains. There were black and blue bruises all over his body. And whatever Jemma was giving him wasn't helping. It wasn't enough.

Fitz rubbed his forehead as he paced around the lab, trying to calm his nerves and block out the pangs of pain surging in his body. May and Jemma were in the kitchen. He glanced around nervously. No one else was around. He had to do something. His hands started trembling and he quickly put them around his waist in an attempt to stop the shaking. He needed something. Anything.

Fitz quietly walked over to the cabinet where he and Jemma stored all the chemicals, drugs and compounds they had to use in their experiments. He needed to shut it off. Whatever Garrett had forced into his system for days – he needed it. Whatever it did to him, whatever it made him feel – or not feel, he wanted it.

While Fitz wasn't a biochemist like Jemma, he still knew his sciences. One of the requirements of the Academy and Sci-ops was that all agents had a well-rounded understanding of all the sciences. So Fitz knew that opioid drugs worked by binding to opioid receptors. It reduced the sending of pain messages to the brain, and resultantly, helped to block out sensations of pain. It was a type of narcotic pain medication.

Jemma would have never prescribed him anything that powerful. Instead, she gave him some weak, useless pills that he had to take day and night. What Fitz was experiencing though was "breakthrough pain" - flares of pain that gave him migraines despite the doses of pain medication he was already taking.

It was happening again. He had a pounding headache and he couldn't focus. Rummaging through the cabinet, Fitz looked through the various rows of viles Jemma had carefully organized. He looked over his shoulder nervously before reaching to the very back where he had hidden his stash. Over the last few days, Fitz had made it a point to siphon small amounts of chemicals from their collection into his own viles. Opioids. He needed some kind of opioid, even if it meant that he had to mix it up on its own.

Fitz winced as his hands ran over the wound on his torso. There wasn't enough of the drug Jemma gave him in his system for him to ignore the pain. Without hesitation, Fitz pulled out the colorless vile of dilaudid he had put together. It was usually Jemma that played around with the chemicals, but he couldn't care less at this point. Fitz had ample windows of opportunities to cook up his own medicine since Coulson had let him back in the lab. Jemma was easy to take care of. She was distracted, and more than willing to leave the lab to make them food, tea, or anything really.

He knew its structural formula and that was good enough for him. _Trimethylamine. Hydroxide. Hydrochloric acid. Hydromorphone... Methylmor-._

Screw it.

It was as good as it was going to get. He needed it so badly.

He opened another drawer and pulled out a clean syringe. After making sure the coast was clear, Fitz quickly filled the syringe. Rolling up his sleeve, Fitz clenched his hand and made a fist. He looked down at syringe, pausing for a moment before he decidedly pushed it down into his arm, letting the drug take its effect on him.

Dilaudid did not actually remove pain. Narcotic agents work by having dissociative effects on its users – it dulled the extremes of pain so that instead of reliving his torture and suffering, Fitz merely felt nothing. He was empty. Fitz had somehow managed to lower himself onto the floor, his head lolled back, body against his desk, as his pupils enlarged.

And for that brief moment, Fitz was at peace. He was high as a kite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all those that left kudos and comments! I really appreciate the support and feedback :)


	5. And it all came crashing down

Fitz woke up with a start.

_Jemma!_

Her name left his mouth in a soft whisper. He was paralyzed in bed, unable to move, the scene playing over and over again in his head. He slowly got up as his muscles started to wake and reached for the switch. He was drenched in sweat, gasping for air, as he tried to calm himself down.

_It was just a dream._ _It's not real. It's not._

Breathing heavily, Fitz hesitantly looked down at his trembling hands, afraid to see if they were soaked in blood.

It seemed so real.

It was an image he couldn't shake from his head. He thought if he didn't speak about or think about, it would just fade away. He had never even told Jemma about this. It wasn't something he wanted to remember, or talk about ever.

Fitz struggled with his memories. After the whole incident with Garrett, he couldn't exactly tell what was real and what wasn't. It felt real – everything about it felt real, but he couldn't quite remember the details surrounding it. _He was damaged._ His mind, his one advantage, the one thing he knew he could always count on, wasn't the same anymore.

It was frustrating. Losing the one thing you could rely on.

Fitz paced around his room, angry about his inability to work at the same level as he used to. No matter what Jemma gave him, the nightmares wouldn't stop. They were only getting worse. It was distracting to say the least.

It was as if he had a series of nightmares on a repeating rotation. Jemma jumping out of the plane, Skye getting shot, Jemma jumping in front of him just as a grenade went off, and now this - he would just have to add this to his collection. Fitz glanced over to his drawer. He felt like crap, and he just needed some peace. He needed the images to stop. He knew that he had to try and stop taking the dilaudid but he needed it tonight. Filling up the syringe, Fitz rolled up his sleeve and made a fist. It was odd knowing how bad something was but needing and wanting it all the same.

Fitz slowly slid the needle into his arm and pushed down, letting the drug trickle into his system. A familiar warm fuzzy feeling started to take over his body. Fitz closed his eyes as he stumbled back onto his bed,  his head falling back as the euphoria blotted out all the pain he was experiencing. These moments of drug-induced bliss – they were the closest thing to sleep Fitz had.

And if the dark circles around his eyes weren't a clear enough indication that something had been keeping Fitz up all night – his foul mood made it perfectly clear to everyone else that there was definitely something wrong with the engineer.

 

_xxxxxxxxxxx_

 

It wasn't like she didn't notice he had been acting strange. She just.. just didn't know how to fix it.

Fitz had been moody lately, pushing her away at any given opportunity. And it drove her crazy. She couldn't focus with Fitz.. not being Fitz.

"How's your science experiment going?" Fitz said, breaking the silence, his voice laced with anger and irritation.

"I told you Leo, I'm only trying to help." Jemma sighed. "I'm trying to find a way to stop your shaking and -"

"Right, and you just happened to slip in a couple of sedations in there too so that I can't work? So I can't think? Jemma. You can't force me to sleep."

"Fitz! It's not like that...I'm just _worried_ about you."

Fitz sighed exasperatedly, refusing to look up at her. "Just leave me alone Jemma" he muttered quietly.

Jemma cried silently at her bench as she threw herself back at her work. He was different and she was a mess. The dynamic the two of them shared was gone.. destroyed. Jemma didn't want to accept that. She thought that working together, working together would be good for them. Like old times. But it was different.

Jemma wiped the tears from her eyes and made her way to his bench. She wasn't going to give up on him. She knew that he needed his space so she kept her hands to herself as she softly spoke up. "How about we talk about your work instead? How are your designs going Fitz?" she asked as she looked at all the papers sprawled across his workspace.

"Did you need help adjusting the dendrotoxin delivery mechanisms for the smaller icers? I can-"

Fitz slammed his fist on the table, not even bothering to look up at her. "Can you just _stop_ Jemma."

Jemma jumped, startled by the sudden outburst, tears threatening to fall out her eyes. "Fitz..I-I" her lips trembled as she failed to respond. She was speechless.

"Jemma – just. Just leave me alone. _Please_. I just want to be alone okay?" Fitz said quietly. It wasn't like he intended to hurt Jemma. He just couldn't think, he couldn't focus with her there distracting him.

"Nonsense. You hate being alone! You're just trying to avoid something..." Jemma blurted out angrily. She took a deep breath, as she tried to fight back the tears.

Fitz looked up. It was obvious that he was hurting. He looked exhausted. He really needed to rest. Jemma wasn't sure when the last time he had a proper night's sleep was. She was too afraid to bring it up, but she would sometimes walk by his room and hear him tossing and turning, gasping for air. She had tried to intervene before but he had just pushed her away and told her to mind her own business. He was hurting – and she couldn't do anything about it.

All she wanted to do was hug him, but instead Jemma silently walked away. Before she left the lab, she turned around. "Fitz, I'm trying... I'm really trying..." she said softly as she walked out.

"Jemma..." she heard him whisper as the doors closed behind her. She couldn't let him see her crying.

The moment she left, the tears came streaming down as she struggled to choke back the sobs coming out of her mouth. Jemma ran to the kitchen and quickly wiped off all signs of tears with her sleeve. She was glad she did, because soon after, Skye walked in.

"Jemma? Is something wrong?" Skye asked gently, her face full of concern. It had obvious that the poor girl had been crying.

"It's nothing" Jemma replied somewhat cheerfully. Her voice going up a few notches higher than usual, as she avoided eye contact, choosing to play around with the cup of tea she had just made instead. _Sugar. Fitz loves a lot of sugar in his tea._ Without thinking, her hand reached out to dump two full spoons of sugar in.

"I'm fine really" her voice cracking, "I should just get back to work, you know?" Jemma looked nervously at Skye.

"Simmons... hey..." Skye placed her hand on Jemma's arm.

"It's just -" Jemma couldn't control the tears at this point. "I just thought it would be back to like before you know? The two of us. Fitzsimmons."

"Hey, hey hey" Skye pulled Jemma into a warm embrace, "sometimes it catches up with me too"

Jemma sighed. "Yes, well, it's to be expected isn't it?"

"I'm not sure why I thought – it's just that what after Garrett did to him."

Skye felt her heart break for the girl. Whatever Fitz had gone through – it didn't just affect him. Simmons took a big hit too. She was in as much pain as Fitz. It was like they had a psychic link, for better or for worse.

"You're allowed to be angry, you know that right?" Skye said as she gave Jemma another reassuring hug. Jemma gave Skye a small brave smile.

"I do." Jemma nodded, looking back at the girl she was grateful to call her friend. Jemma had always admired Skye's cheerful disposition and her fight. She never gave up on people, and she had such a big heart. Jemma had to admit that she was a little annoyed at Fitz' obvious attraction to Skye when she first arrived, but she was glad that they had their resident hacker on board.

"You know, these past few weeks are the longest Fitz and I have gone without watching an episode of Doctor Who." Jemma laughed as she took a sip of her tea. "Isn't that such a silly thing to think about?"

"That you miss him?" Skye answered, shaking her head. "You should try telling him that". Skye gave Jemma a warm smile. She made a mental note to talk to Fitz about being nicer to Simmons. Of all people to lash out at, he chose to snap at Simmons. She would give him hell for doing that. Simmons was the only one going out of her way to be accommodate all of Fitz' needs. She was just about to leave the kitchen when she saw a small ball come rolling in beeping and blinking with red lights.

"JEMMA GET DOW-" Before Jemma had the time to turn around, she felt the entire Bus shake and the next thing she knew, she was on the ground as smoke started to engulf her.

 

_xxxxxxxx_

 

Fitz groaned in pain as he glanced over the table from where he was hiding. _What the hell was happening?_ Fitz could taste the blood in his mouth. He would have stopped to fully assess his physical state but he was currently caught in the middle of a shoot out. HYDRA, he assumed had come onboard and attacked them from nowhere. One moment, he was in the lab working, the next, the entire plane shook violently. Caught unaware, Fitz had been thrown to the ground by the sudden movements, with the lab equipment crashing down on him. Judging by the blood stain starting to form on his shirt, Fitz had split open his old torso wound once again. And if he had to guess, he probably had some fractured ribs as well.

When the Bus was hit, Fitz instinctively ran to get the Bambino but before he even had the time to put on the safety guard he had designed to minimize the blow back force it generated, armoured men started to swarm towards him, guns pointed. He had been forced to kickstart the reverse-engineered Asgardian weapon without any of the safety measures, which had unfortunately resulted in severe burns on his shaking arm. The brute force of improperly firing the gun also had Fitz flying back against the wall. He was light headed, sick and it wasn't until the adrenaline had started to fade, did he feel the extent of his injuries. "Bloody hell" he said through gritted teeth, as he tried to ignore the stinging pain in his side and on his arms. Fitz ran his fingers uncomfortably across the side of his shirt, gasping as he brushed over the bruised areas. He had definitely broken some ribs.

"Fitz!" May called out from behind. Fitz had never been happier to hear her voice. He had bought himself some time with the Bambino but he really wasn't trained to fight at all. "You're going to run to me on the count of 3 okay?" she yelled at him as she caught sight of more armoured men heading towards them.

After a few loud bangs and frantic running, Fitz found himself next to Agent May. "What the hell happened to you?" May said gesturing to the burns on his arms and the blood on his shirt. "I'm fine" he grunted as he lowered himself next to her.

"I fired the Bambino. I didn't -"

May interrupted. "Ok, forget that. You're good to go though? We can't stay here," May said sternly, "We need to get to the quinjet" she observed their surroundings carefully before taking a good look at Fitz, noticing his hesitation. "She'll be fine Fitz." She knew his mind was on Simmons. Despite the rough few weeks, the two of them had always found their way back together. And even if their relationship wasn't like before, May knew that he did care for the biochemist.

"You don't kno-" by the time the first bullet came ricocheting, May had already grabbed Fitz painfully by his hand to move him forward.

"Fitz we have to move _now_!" May fired several bullets trying to provide them cover. Seeing the number of agents headed towards them, May hastily pulled a hand gun from her ankle and shoved it into Fitz' hands. "Point. Shoot. Got it?"

Even with the extra ammunition, Fitz and May were against pretty tough odds. The assault team were dangerously closing in on them and just when Fitz caught the quinjet in his line of sight, someone came tackling him down from the side. Loud shots went off, leaving Fitz with a high pitch ringing in his ear. Unsure of where the shots came from, Fitz frantically tried to haul himself forward away from his attacker but to no avail. The pain was excruciating. Fitz rolled over to his back only to see the HYDRA agent leering down at him, gun in one hand as his other tightened around Fitz' neck, slowly cutting off the air Fitz needed to function. It was like déjà vu, and Fitz instinctively reached for the pistol May had handed him earlier. He closed his eyes as he raised his weapon and squeezed on the trigger repeatedly, putting bullets through his attacker's chest. The soldier's lifeless body dropped on top of him, blood oozing out onto Fitz.

The ringing in his ears were defeaning. "Fitz? Focus on my voice. Fitz. I need to know if you're hurt" May asked quickly, pushing the body atop Fitz away. The look on Fitz' face said everything. The young engineer was in shock – Fitz wasn't a killer and what he had just done came hitting at him like a thousand bricks. May hauled Fitz up pushing him into the quinjet as she ran to the controls to get the plane ready for takeoff.

"Fitz! I'll be with you in a second. Just stay with me!" May yelled, as she rushed to power up the engine of the quinjet. "Buckle up, this isn't going to be a smooth ride" she instructed as the loud turbos started warming up.

Fitz let out a cry as he struggled to prop himself up to move towards a seat. The wave of pain hit him hard, and it wasn't until now did Fitz look down to see the growing pool of blood on his shirt. His hand reached over to press against the dark red spot. As he lifted his bloody hands to his eyes he managed to call out quietly

"M-may?" She looked back to see him holding his hands out shaking, fear in his eyes.

He fell to the floor, hard.


	6. Red & White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The usual disclaimer: this story doesn't exactly follow the tv series... but you'll see fragments of scenes (perhaps re-adapted) here and there. Also.. this chapter is pretty short and it moves really quickly!

"Wher- where's Fitz?" Jemma stuttered as she stumbled out of the plane. "Why'd you leave him back there! WHERE IS HE!?" she yelled hysterically, her mind racing at the sudden turn of events.

Coulson didn't have time for questions, "Jemma – I need you to go with Agent Koenig" he said pointing her towards the short stubby man in front of them. She shook her head furiously, refusing to budge. Coulson looked at the distraught girl in front of him, she wasn't going to go easily. "Simmons. You need to calm down. He's probably with Agent May. He's going to be fine ok?"

"Agent Simmons", Koenig reached forward, putting out a friendly hand to usher her through the hallway. She flinched as he touched her to nudge her forward. "If you would follow me."

Koenig opened the next door with a slight smile on his face. The space was filled with tables and chairs, a fully decked out kitchen on the other side. It looked oddly like a cafeteria decorated with plants and fake windows. "It's pretty cool eh?" Agent Koenig exclaimed, proudly showing off the room they had just arrived in. "You my friends, are at a SHIELD secret base. I like to call it The Playground." Jemma unconsciously grabbed a hold of Skye's hand. She was a wreck. She needed to focus. She couldn't even recall the details anymore but it felt like her heart was being ripped out piece by piece. Her mind snapped back to reality. Fitz. The lab. Where was Fitz?

Agent Koenig's smile started to dissipate as he registered the look on Jemma's face. "I know it's been rough. We've all been a little shaken up but you're here now. You'll be safe and soon you will all be issued lan-"

A loud crash came from the entrance.

Agent Koenig immediately went running out, Coulson right behind him. "Guys, stay back!" Coulson instructed as he left quickly, leaving Skye and Jemma in silence.

There were sounds of quick movement, metal doors and frantic voices.

"Oh no. Ohno oh god no." they heard before rushing forward.

"SIMMONS GET DOWN HERE!" Coulson yelled out in a panic.

Her legs wouldn't move. Jemma was helplessly rooted to the ground, her heart pounding as he called her name.

"Ohno no. Hang on. Just hang on ok?" Coulson begged as his hands wrapped around Fitz's face.

"JEMMA! NOW!"

Jemma swallowed hard, her fears confirmed when Coulson looked up at her in alarm. He and May were surrounding a pale and motionless Fitz on the ground. His delicate form cradled in between Coulson's arms. Agent May frantically kept her hand on Fitz, desperately trying to stop the bleeding from his chest but blood just kept oozing through her fingers onto the shirt he was wearing. _His shirt._  The one she had bought him years ago at the Academy. They had to give a presentation to a renowned physicist and Fitz having forgotten to do his laundry, had shown up in a monkey clad tshirt. She had secretly loved him for that, it was one of the few times at the Academy where his age betrayed him. Jemma had kicked up a fuss of course, and gave him a scolding about being presentable before dragging him off to a buy a whole new ensemble.

Tears clouded her eyes as she opened her mouth, trying to say something. Do something. But nothing came out.

"Simmons! SIMMONS!" Coulson yelled, grabbing her by her shoulders. "I've got no pulse!" he tugged at her more forcefully.

"Uh- he- he's lost too much blood. I don't-" Jemma looked around her before fixating on Agent Koenig.

"All major SHIELD facilities have hyperbaric chambers – where's yours?!" Agent Koenig quickly got up pointing them in the right direction.

"Fitz" her voice shaking. "Get him in there. Get him in there NOW" she shouted.

May, Skye and Coulson worked together to lift Fitz up as Agent Koenig led the way. The moment they were in the med bay, Jemma worked fast, hands trembling as she tore away strips of Fitz's' shirt to gain access to the wound. She ripped opened a pack of hemostatic gauze and pressed it firmly against his chest. The fabric soaked it all almost immediately. Jemma backed away from the table slowly, her breath caught in her throat as she remained silent. Seeing that Simmons was done with Fitz, the team hurried to place Fitz into the hyperbaric chamber.

Coulson stood by the chamber nervously looking at the motionless engineer inside as Jemma struggled to get the controls working. This was always Fitz's specialty. What if she did something wrong? Jemma desperately started pressing the controls, her bloody hands staining the panel as she worked to get his temperature down.

"Hey, I got it. I got it." Skye darted to Jemma's side, taking over quickly to get the pressure in the hyperbaric chamber stabilized.

"Is it working?" May asked quietly. Her usual stoic mask replaced with a genuine look of concern.

"IS IT WORKING?" Coulson yelled, his eyes locked on the engineer. Fitz had become deathly pale, his eyes closed and his body slack.

"Temperature's dropping – I think we've got it!" Skye responded, her hands up in the air as she backed away from the panel.

She had done everything that she could. She had only hoped that it was enough. Everyone looked down waiting for something to happen. It didn't take long before a small breath escaped through Fitz's mouth.

Jemma let out a sigh of relief but she was far from relaxed. Jemma straightened her body before she started to speak "His core temperature's hovering around 45 Fahrenheit. If we don't get him back up in the next few hours, he could sustain permanent damage. We need to get him to a proper medical facility and fast."

Her voice was cold and calculated. She let out a shaky breath, "until then, I'll do everything I can to keep him alive. Now, if you'll excuse me." Jemma left abruptly, running as fast as her legs could take her. She could only hope that she could get far enough for she couldn't hold it together anymore. She was falling apart.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 _This was Fitz._ Jemma looked down at her hands.

The water ran red against the white sink as Jemma aggressively tried to scrub off all the blood off her hands. She hit the soap dispenser again and again, swirls of blood came rushing down the surface as she rubbed her hands together under the water. Jemma blinked, feeling panic rising within her like bile. In her mind, the water in front of her was an oasis of blood. Of his blood. Her hands were stained, her clothes covered in blood. Jemma gasped as she fell to the ground, her mind replaying the events that had just occurred. She screamed. Loud. Tears streaming down her face.

A gentle hand reached out and slowly rubbed her shoulder. It was like what Fitz had always done when it was the two of them. When she was stressed, concerned, worried. He would always reach out and gently draw circles on her back with his thumb. He would tell her everything would be ok. But when Jemma turned around she saw May, not Fitz. Fitz was gone. A figment of her imagination. May looked at the girl, and gave her a small nod before stepping closer to pull Jemma in a warm embrace. It was like May recognized that look of despair and hopelessness on Jemma's face. May stayed quiet as Jemma collapsed against her, sobbing uncontrollably as a thousand moments hit her. "I can't- I can't live without him" she cried out in between sobs. May did the one thing she could as Jemma let out all of her pent up emotions; she just held on tightly to her.

They were just kids. Kids that would move the mountains for one another. But here they both were, broken.


	7. I Feel What You Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team processes the things that have happened to Fitz and they all deal with it in their own ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story doesn't stick to the exact same timeline as the show. I've referenced certain events here that shouldn't have happened yet (aka it didn't happen in Season 1), but for the sake of this story - just try and take those standalone events that I've mentioned and pretend that they've already occurred. Hopefully it's not too confusing!
> 
> Also.. I haven't really decided if I want Skye to have powers in this story.. Thoughts?

**Previously on Behind Blue Eyes...**

_"Oh no. No, no no. God, no." he whispered, his hands frantically checking for a pulse._

_"SIMMONS! SIMMONS, GET DOWN HERE NOW!"_

_Blood covered Coulson's shirt as he shook the engineer in front of him._

_"Stay with me Fitz. Just hang on damnit. She's coming!" he begged as blood pooled on the floor._

 

\-----

 

Coulson sat alone in the empty hospital waiting room, his hand gripping a cup of dark roast that had gotten cold. Six hours. It had been six, long, painfully quiet hours since he had heard from the doctors.

Blinded by the overpowering overhead lights in the waiting area, Coulson lowered his head in frustration and shut his eyes. Nothing had gone right. If he had just sent Fitz to the proper facilities to heal, or if he had run a tighter ship to keep security to the maximum, perhaps things would have been different. It all happened so fast that Coulson wasn't sure how it all came crumbling down. It had to be planned. Such devasting and strategic blows to what once was SHIELD. John Garrett. HYDRA. Fitz taken hostage. Traitors hiding amongst friends. Ward. Too much had happened in too short of a time. Coulson tried piecing together HYDRA's plan but he couldn't fight the pessimistic thoughts that were flooding his head. Fitz. The blood. Simmons. He couldn't afford to lose him. They had already lost too much, they couldn't afford to lose another. Not like this.

In desperate need of fresh air to clear his mind, Coulson walke out into the front yard of the hospital where the grass was dry, brown and brittle, withering away what little life it had left.  _It'll be fine,_ he tried to convince himself. _Fitz will pull through. He's strong._

 

"You plan on talking to me about your hand?" May appeared from the corner, worry written on her face.

His gaze dropped to his hands. "What about it?"

May lifted her brows as her expression hardened, "You think I wouldn't know?" She took a few steps closer to him, taking his shaking hand into hers.

"It's been tremoring the whole flight out. You're getting worse."

Coulson let out a sigh, taking back his hand, as he reluctantly straightened his tie. "Did the rest of the team see it?" he asked, shifting uncomfortably, avoiding her eyes.

"No. But Skye is asking the usual too many questions. I'm not sure they know how bad it is" she fixed her eyes on him.

"Okay." Phil took in a long deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. His mind reeled with jumbled thoughts. He was too tired to think -

"Phil" May looked up at him, her eyes glassy for a change. "You can't blame yourself." Melinda May had always been a rock. Firm. Decisive. Some would say cold, but he knew her. She always had his back, and was a constant source of strength. She trusted him, and allowed herself to be vulnerable around him, because she – they, had always been there for one another. She blinked, her lips parted but no words came out. 

His eyes were weary but he remained focused on her as he stared into her eyes. Her gaze softened, and she swallowed hard, struggling to keep her emotions in check. 

"How's Simmons?" she asked softly, breaking the silence. Looking down, May reached for Coulson's hand as a sigh escaped her mouth They didn't want to admit it but losing Fitz... They would lose Simmons too.

"Amazingly resilient." he said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

"An experience like that, it takes a while to sink in." She flinched as he brought his hand up to touch the wound on her shoulder. His eyes unwavering as he thought back to Bahrain.

Tears threatened to fall out of her eyes. "Do you know how long it's taken me-?"

"I know." he interrupted. May wasn't always like this. She was different once. Warm. He wrapped a hand around her, rubbing her back as they walked back into the hospital room.

It was going to be a long wait.

 

\-----

 

It took too much energy to stay mad at someone who cried so much. When Skye wiped out all of their identities, she hadn't fully considered what they were really giving up. Memories. Proof. Photos. Tangible things that reminded them of who they were. And if Fitz – if Fitz didn't wake up, Jemma would have nothing. Nothing but painful memories in her mind that would torment her, and replace the once happy moments they had together. Skye looked down at the tattered photo she had manage to salvage in the mess. A photo of Fitz and Simmons on their graduation day, his hand around her back, his eyes on her as she smiled at the camera with a wide toothy grin.

They were happy. So happy. And she laughed to herself, when she thought about how ridiculous it was that two geniuses couldn't figure out that they were in love with one another.

Skye never had a family before. She never belonged until she met them. All of them. Fitz was like a brother to her. She loved him. Her chest tightened with emotion as she struggled to hold back the tears. Convulsive sobs shook her body as she collapsed against the wall. She stood there as she tried to steady herself, her heart pounding, breathing rapid as the tears poured out. Her lips trembled as she punched the wall, again and again, disregarding the fact that she was hurting her hand.

"Fuck!" she glanced down at her bloody knuckles, feeling stupid.

 _She was so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could she not have seen that Ward was HYDRA?_ This was all her fault. She should have seen it coming, she should have done something. Shoot him. Kill that son of a bitch.

Anxiety started to spread like fire within her body. She felt it rise, suffocating her as she let the anger and emotions of the past few hours consume her. 

"No, nononono, no no" she cried out, shaking her head blindly as panic rose through her chest. Skye screamed, her hands clutching the sides of her head. Her lungs were sending distressed signals to her brain, her breath caught in her throat as the terrors filled the veins of her heart.

"Fitz" she gasped, hitting her hands against the wall, in an attempt to stop the growing pain.

" _Fitz was a clutz again." he said nervously. "uh.. she's just clearing up the mess. It's my fault." he gestured towards the broken glass in the med bay, "I knocked over the lamp when I was taking a sample of Skye's blood". He lifted up his trembling hand, his voice shaking slightly, "I don't know, I guess – I guess my coordination still needs work." He looked down, avoiding Jemma and May's eyes. He played around with the tablet in his hand, hoping to distract them. "I was anxious to double check the results." He clicked on a few buttons on the screen, turning it towards May and Jemma. "Her DNA is an exact match to what it was before. She's clear." Fitz breathed heavily, throwing a shy glance at Skye._

" _What did you just do?" she stared at him in disbelief as he worked on bandaging her up. He held her hand in his, firmly pressing a piece of cloth over her bloody hand. Tears welled up in her eyes as he told her about the drastically different DNA results. She looked up in shock, afraid to think about what that would actually mean. He looked up to meet her eyes, his hand over hers. "We should keep it between us." His voice was uncertain but the look on his face said otherwise. "I'll keep you safe. Until we figure it out okay?" Skye nodded slowly, as she bent down to pull Fitz into a hug. She started crying on his shoulder, shaking her head. "This is all my fault. I let this happen. I-I'm so sorry" she quivered in his embrace. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer as he stroked her back. "No. It's ok, it's ok. You're just different now." He turned his head to look her in the eye. "There's nothing wrong with that." She buried her face deeper into his shoulder, sobbing when he whispered in her ear, "It's all going to be alright, I promise"._

Nothing was alright. She had failed him. He had kept his promise to her, but she - she failed him.

Her body trembled as she staggered forward towards the door, photo in one hand. Tears ran down her face, as she gave in to the feeling. Something inside of her broke. She stood by the door, in the pain that latched itself in the depths of her soul. She cried until she felt herself feel light. Everything he had done for her and here she was - helpless. She couldn't help him. The weight of the pain she felt now that she was alone was crushing her.

Skye was about to hit the wall again when she heard footsteps in the hallway.

She quickly wiped away the tears that had dropped onto the photo, trying to hide all evidence of the meltdown she just had. She had to be strong. For Jemma.

"Why do you have that?" Jemma's voice cut through the silence like a knife.

Jemma approached Skye cautiously, her eyes never leaving the photo Skye had in her hand.

Skye looked up at Jemma and blinked like a deer caught in the headlights. She opened her mouth, desperate for the right words to come out. Nothing but frantic sounds came out.

**_*Slap*_ **

Skye stood dumbfounded, as she held up her hand to touch the stinging red patch on her face. 

"WHY'D YOU DELETE IT ALL ?" Jemma shouted urgently, pushing Skye, taunting her to fight back. "Why did you have to erase everything!" 

"Jemma stop!"

"Why couldn't you have-" she said, her voice breaking and softer than before, "I don't have anything of his-" Tears were slowly falling from her eyes, "You've taken everything. I can't- I can't live without anything of his. I can't live without Fitz." she continued, lips quivering as she took a shaky breath. 

Everything she held dear was being stripped away from her. Her lab. The Academy. Fitz. She couldn't do this anymore. She needed it to shut it off. Jemma struggled against Skye's hold, as she began to collapse, her body shutting down as her mind raced to deal with the aftermaths of Fitz getting tortured and shot.

" _Jemma,_ " Skye said, holding her up in her arms,  "I miss him too, Jemma."

 


End file.
